The Real Reason I Left for Valinor
by squirrelchaser
Summary: The flaming and fudge covered events leading up to Celebrian's departure, and why Legolas should not have flaming batons; this is a repost
1. Default Chapter

Title: The REAL Reason I Left for Valinor: Celebrian's Journal

Author: Squirrelchaser

FYI: does not follow proper time line of Middle Earth's events (ie, ages conflict with events ect)

Warnings: very mild fudge covered violence, AU

AN: whole thing meant in good fun…do not take seriously, especially if you like Legolas or Elrond. 

Disclaimer: OWN NOTHING. If I did I would not be writing here.

The REAL Reason I Left for Valinor: Celebrian's Journal

Entry 1

I love my husband, I love my husband, I DO love my husband…I am clenching my teeth as I write and am having reminding myself of the fact that, yes, indeed, I do love my husband…

Let's face it, after being married for over two thousand years to the Lord of Imladris…two thousand years is a very long time…I need to get away.

The final straw had come when he had stumbled into the bed room, no wait, must go back further.

Elrond and I had traveled to Mirkwood for Arwen's dance competition. (Elrond had spent the whole trip anxiously looking over his shoulder with one hand on his sword hilt, reminding me every five seconds of the shadow growing in the south.) Arwen had been visiting the Wood Elves to study dancing abroad, and other than a small rivalry between herself and the son of Thranduil (Legalese or something like that…whatever.) she had been enjoying her lessons very much…more so than when she had been home. (We still have not found that last dance instructor.) At any rate, that rivalry between our children had caused somewhat of a competition between King Thranduil and my husband. Elrond was very eager to see his daughter wipe the floor with the Prince of Mirkwood, and ride home in triumph as Thranduil licked his wounds.

Men.

So we were sitting in Mirkwood's vast stone hall to watch the recital. First up was the Mirkwood Prince (that's his name…Legolas!) with an amazing ballet routine that included a flaming baton. A huge crowd pleaser, that one, especially when he completed the routine despite the fact that he had managed to set his tutu on fire.

"Why must HE be the first?" Elrond had growled, but I poked him and told him to be polite. I think his bad temper was due to the fact that he was anxious that perhaps, just maybe, the prince had Arwen beat; she was doing tap and had made no mention of flaming anything (much to my relief). 

After that performance was another ballet dancer (no baton), a modern group dance (did not finish number as one dancer was dropped during a lift and had to be carried off stage), a jazz dancer (did not finish either; leotard ripped), and a hula hoop act (????). Finally, after the ridiculous hula hoop number, I saw Arwen's dark head peek around the edge of the curtain. Like most children she was quick to find her parents in the audience, and I gave her a quick wave. Instead of waving back she stomped to the center of the stage and shrieked out into the waiting audience, "Dad! Wake UP!"

Turning, I saw that Elrond had his head flopped over the back of the chair and was snoring (and drooling) in a most undignified matter. The last act had been too much for him. "Elrond!" I had hissed, jabbing him as hard as I could in the ribs.

To this he practically hit the roof, jumping out his seat in a half awake daze screaming, "SAURON!" while drawing his sword.

Seeing an armed Eldar screaming the Dark Lord's name was enough to clear the hall in a panic, which effectively ended the dance competition. The Mirkwood Prince was effectively named the winner. Judging is so biased.

Elrond did not take too kindly to this defeat, snuck into King Thranduil's cellars, and – as he calls it – "borrowed" all of his Dorwinion, the lot of which he drank on the way home. At least he was too tipsy to dart about in alarm over the Dark Lord, but it also was why he stumbled into the bed room and proceeded to pass out on the bed that night. Angry at this whole stupid fiasco I kicked him out; he in turn kicked Elladan out of his room, who then went to sleep with Elrohir. The two got in an argument over pillows, and had the place in an uproar at three in the morning.

Entry 2

I decided upon waking up the next morning that I needed to go visit my mother for at least a year or so…a very long year or so. I was packing when Elrond shuffled into the room looking bleary eyed and hung over, and told him curtly that I was going away for a few months. I would tell him about the year when I got to Lorien; he has a tendency to get clingy and whiny when he does not feel well. I then said briskly that his *tiara* was crooked.

Drawing himself up and losing (most) of his hung over look he gave me a very stern lecture that it was NOT a "tiara." 

I asked him what it was then and he did not reply. HA!

Entry 3

Crap. Captured by orcs when traveling through Redhorn Pass. Crap. Difficult to write as hands tied. Crap. Coming upon orc cave. Crap. Will probably be tortured shortly. Crap.

Entry 4

HA!! Double HA!!!! These orcs…Now I am under strict instructions NOT to tell anyone of this as these orcs have a reputation to keep up, but they are all just a bunch of bachelors. Once arriving at the cave they untied me and let me explore. They don't torture their prisoners…they just are looking for some one to tidy up once in a while and then they will let me go with the understanding that I was "tortured." They say that have a wicked party coming up with the Mirkwood spiders and was hoping that I knew how to make baklava and jello shots?

Entry 5

Cave is tidy; have learned how to play Mario Cart!! Beat Lurtz twice as Peach. Ha!! Met a female orc (did not know those things existed) who makes the most excellent fudge!!!! Am now busy mastering Super Smash Brothers. Will have to buy these games when get home…for the twins of course.

Entry 6

Crap. Elladan, Elrohir, and the Rangers have ridden out to "save" me and have finally found me. To keep up their façade, the orcs tied me up again, gave me a tiny "poisoned" wound (with a purple ball point pen) and left the rest up to my acting skills. Lurtz had been getting really anxious about their reputation - he said that the Balrogs were getting word that the orcs were getting "soft," and had offered me a couple of flails to make things more "convincing." I said no and added some dark blue eye shadow around the mark for some extra effects, but he said that those would wash off. I told him I would take care of it. After a quick good bye to make their escape, I threw myself down the mountain in an attempt to make some real bruises. Crap. Forgot that my hands were tied, rolled the whole way down hitting what I am sure was every bump on that mountain and was nearly trampled by Elladan who was leading an overly heroic charge. Will spank son as soon as arrive home; he said that that was what Glorfindel had taught him to do in training. Will spank Glorfindel too.

Entry 7

Am now lying in bed with husband hovering around looking very concerned. I take it that means I am doing a good job at pretending, but am very bored. Elrond then asked if I needed anything, and I took the opportunity to (weakly) as him to go out and buy a Game Cube? Looking very confused, he nonetheless did so. Have now beat Elladan and Elrohir twice and three times, respectively. (Only have two game controllers; drat.)

Entry 8

Am craving fudge. Muchly.

Am also in dire need of a video game partner, as the twins and Arwen won't play with me any more; sore losers, and Elrond can't figure out the controller (he is all thumbs). Asked Glorfindel to play but he informed me haughtily that he did not partake in such mindless wastes of time. ???? I guess living twice will do that to you. Or maybe it was the aforementioned spanking. Or it could have been from when Arwen had bashed him over the head again last week to sneak out with those rangers on Asfaloth.

Entry 9

Dear husband has invited Thranduil and son over for dinner. Have no idea why but it can't be good given their last encounter. Upon hearing of my recent capture and rescue, Legolas looked at me and winked. "Those spiders throw an awesome party," he whispered to me as we sat down to play Super Smash Brothers. I grinned, and he explained, "I was captured by spiders a few years back; they taught me my baton moves. Have you had their fudge? I made them give the recipe to me after they accidentally set my hair on fire." All of a sudden I seemed to like this kid, but given the sounds of screaming and punching coming from the dining hall I think I had better go check on Elrond.

Entry 10

Am now proceeding to make fudge, for which Legolas handed over the recipe only after I beat him five times in Melee as Zelda/Sheik (he was Young Link).

Dear husband is in a foul mood and nursing a black eye.

Stupid chocolate concoction! Have been beating it senseless with a wooden spoon for the last hour and it refuses to harden.

Entry 11

Last night Elrond made some sadistic comment about females, chocolate, and siding with the enemy (I assume he meant Legolas). My temper was already frayed that my fudge experiment had gone wrong and my arm hurt. I picked up the pan of runny fudge and hurled it at him. He ducked – almost in time, and spent the rest of the night locked in the bathroom nursing another black eye and un-sticking his hair from his *tiara.* Ha!

Though he must have felt remorseful and apologized half heartedly when he finally came out of the bathroom to find me completely packed and ready to go. (My first thought was to go to Mother as planned, but decided that it wasn't far away enough and will now to go Valinor.) When he realized I really was going, he apologized for real, got whiny and clingy, and started to beg me to stay. Forced to my last resort, I got blue and scary as Mother had taught me (use it only in the direst of situations – Mother said she used it only when reasoning with Father) and after Elrond had finished crying in terror he agreed and kissed me good bye.

Am riding out from Imladris for the Grey Havens at this very moment, for a very long vacation.

A/N: Let's just say that all the elves of Middle Earth had set sail for Valinor at the same time as all the Ring Bearers…

Entry 12

            Ahhhhhh! What a nice long vacation it has been! I realize, Journal, that I have not picked you up in at least a thousand years or so, give or take a few centuries. That alone must tell you how relaxing things have been!

            Actually, the only reason I dug you out again is that you will probably be put to good use in the next few…well for eternity; I just received word that the elves of Middle Earth have set sail for Valinor…It will be nice to see Mother and Father again, and of course, ah…what's his name? No, just kidding, yes I will be glad to see my husband and children again.

Entry 13

            Elladan, Elrohir, and Elrond arrived today waterlogged, the latter particularly in a less than stellar mood but with good reason. As I held his *tiara* he wrung out and rebraided his hair, and told me the whole story.

Apparently a baby spider had snuck into Legolas' pack while they were journeying though Mirkwood. The problems began when it made its presence known; all the elves in sight fled in fright, except for Legolas who begged Cirdan to turn the ship around so Jon could be returned home. ("He named it?!" I had exclaimed, but Elrond gave me a look of such irritation that I shut my mouth again in a hurry.) Cirdan said he would do no such thing; they were over half way there, and told Legolas that if he did not chuck Jon over the side that instant, Legolas would be in for a swim. Jon apparently had feelings, and Jon's feelings apparently could be hurt. He had started to wail and sob uncontrollably (I shuddered at the thought) and Legolas, who is not squeamish at all it appears, had tried to console the baby spider. Thranduil in turn became angry at his son and told him he needed to "shut that &*!#!^!&! thing up immediately" or else he would not stop Cirdan from doing whatever he wished. That had made Jon cry harder, and Legolas begged to be left alone for a few minutes to "try to do things his own way."

Here Elrond paused for so long with a look of such disgust that I was almost afraid of how this story was going to end. I poked him in the ribs and he continued.

Had Legolas NOT been left alone a very different course of events – normal events – would have transpired, but oh, no, they had not been so lucky.

Jon, like all Mirkwood spiders, like flaming batons for entertainment.

In short, no one knew exactly what had happened, but before you could say Eärendil, the whole ship was ablaze…

For all the wisdom, lore, beauty, and even in some cases foresight that the elves posses, something they do NOT posses seems to be life boats. Or even life jackets. But at least elves cannot drown either, and the whole group from Middle Earth, from Elf Lord to elf-who-set-the-ship-ablaze-and-will-probably-never-be-forgiven-by-anyone-on-the-ship-ever had to swim the rest of the way to Valinor. 

Legolas had kept Jon safely clinging to the top of his head while he dog paddled the distance. Legolas, carrying Jon, was now running very, very fast down the beach away from Elladan (or was it Elrohir?) as he pelted after him yelling obscenities; Legolas ran even faster.

Thranduil was in hot pursuit, threatening to do the same to Elladan/Elrohir – Thranduil it seems is itching to be the first to get his hands around the neck his spider loving son. Fortunately for his sake, Legolas seemed faster than the two older elves.

I had then asked Elrond where Arwen was, and he got very vague all of a sudden and muttered something about "Rangers."

I had narrowed my eyes and demanded to know exactly what he meant; Elrond had started to look a little nervous and finally stuttered that she was probably still swimming, dress being all cumbersome and all. I looked pointedly down at his attire, but he drew himself up and said icily that they were *robes of state.* I did not say anything about the tiara.

Entry 14

Husband is now forever, and ever and ever and ever and ever, kicked out of our – or now – my bedroom.

Early this morning I pried the truth out of Elrohir. (I finally remembered how to tell them apart! Elladan's nose is slight off center after he caught the ground with his face falling off the roof during a thunderstorm; he had wanted to test his immortality. Also before he hit the ground he had encountered a tree, so he also has a scar on his…but that one would never help me anyway.)

At any rate, after finding out that Elrond had let Awen go off and marry some mortal who would go off and die and leave her with who knows how many children to fend for herself, I did not yell. I did not scream. I did not even take it out on Elrohir; I calmly turned around, and went back to the bedroom to where Elrond was still sleeping (and yes, drooling). I did not even wake him up. Instead, I picked him up (elven women are strong you know), blankets and all, and deposited him unceremoniously out side the bedroom door, which I then slammed after yanking all the blankets in after me.

Needless to say he was awake after all of that, and is now banging on the door as livid as a Balrog as I write.

Entry 15

Elrond has now gone off in a huff to find somewhere else to sleep, though I am not sure where.

I found Legolas up a tree with Jon; he was surprised that I had found his hiding place until I reminded him gently that I was a Galadhrim. Unlike these house dwelling elves some of us have a prowess for climbing trees, eh?

It took two batches of fudge and several reminders of Super Smash Brothers to make him even think of coming out of the tree. I then told him, casually, that I had also managed to come into possession of a Play Station 2 as well as Final Fantasy 10…and he was out of the tree like a shot. 

I was left with Jon, who had taken a liking to the fudge. Perhaps Jon is not so bad in a …hairy…leggy…many eyed sort of way…when he looks up with his chocolate covered fangs and all eight eyes shining in delight he is almost not repulsive…

Entry 16

Jon and I have become fast friends as Legolas has loaned him to me for a few days. Actually, Thranduil had gone after him with a flyswatter (Jon, not Legolas; Legolas is currently being chased by a belt) and Legolas had hastily shoved the arachnid off into my care as he shouted instructions over his shoulder.

Over the last few days Legolas has been learning to run really, really fast, but so has Thranduil. Legolas is hoping that Thranduil will either forget about Jon, or learn to love him. 

I think neither is possible, but I do not tell Jon this as he is currently sniffing piteously into my shoulder, trying to hold back tears from all eight of his eyes.

Entry 17

Elrond had snuck into my room while I was asleep early one morning and had attempted to climb between the sheets. He had encountered a sleeping Jon on his pillow…the baby spider would not sleep with out his "Legglylass" as he calls him.

Have you ever heard an elf lord scream?

I just have…he screams like a girl…maybe it's the human in him. 

I wake up to what sounds like a young female being knifed and raped, but open my eyes to find Elrond climbing the wall in utter terror, with Jon clinging to my chest in identical panic. Once Jon was calmed down I took Elrond by the elbow, ushering him out of *my* room and demanded to know what he had been doing.

For a brief moment what looked like remorse that would be followed by an apology flashed through his face…but instead he blew up, accusing me of cheating on him with a spider.

A spider! I had promptly started to laugh, doubling over and sliding down the wall.

The laughter had made him madder, and he demanded to know where my wedding band was.

I leapt up. "Ha!" I told him. "If I'm cheating on you with a spider then you are cheating on me with Vilya!!! And you don't have your wedding band either!"

At this he turned very red and started to muttering about gold bands being easily confused with the One Ring, and "viable excuses."

All of a sudden he looked adorable, mumbling and blushing, nearly as inept for words as when we were betrothed. "Elrond," I asked softly, "Why did you come to me this morning?" I didn't think he would answer, but he was busy swallowing is pride and for a while I was sure he'd choke on it before he managed to say,

"I wanted to apologize,"

Believe me, the sight of a humbled elf lord is enough to melt your heart. I think that was why I married him; I don't remember. But all was forgiven and all was said and done, and I said he could have his side of the bed back. He then asked me to kindly remove Jon.

I wonder how long it will take to track down Legolas, as his hiding places from Thranduil are getting progressively better and better…

Entry 18

Legolas' cover was blown when he was betrayed by Jon (with my help).

For the life of me, I could not figure out why that spider had such a fascination with the dishwasher. Jon kept jumping out of my lap during dinner, scuttling to the kitchen and standing insistently on the handle, waving two hairy legs in the air and making urgent spider noises. 

Irritated with the noise, Thranduil had his butter knife clenched in one fist and was heading off to the kitchen in a menacing way as Elrond glared at me to do something about the spider.

Now, as annoying as that thing can be, I did not want to see it skewered by an elf king (especially with a butter knife) so I jumped up and pushed past Thranduil, grabbing Jon just in time. "See," I told him, putting him on my shoulder as Thranduil stood behind with narrowed eyes. "There is nothing –" I opened the dishwasher only to have my point disproved…there was something in there – a blond Legolas something to be precise.

He immediately sprang past me, regarding Thranduil with the look of a child who had spent the last several days avoiding a spanking.

To make a long story short, I called for a truce with Legolas escaping with minimal punishment. One condition of our agreement was that I had to house Jon the spider, which made Elrond glare all the more fiercely when the three (four counting Jon) returned to the table.

The dishwasher, which had been set on automatic (heated wash), had turned on as soon as Thranduil and I had reached an agreement.

Entry 19

Elrond will not allow Jon to sleep on his pillow (or mine, for that matter) but nevertheless, I have managed to argue Jon a place to sleep in our room (Elrond's left slipper). Legolas comes over daily to visit Jon, eat fudge, and play games Play Station with me. (Final Fantasy 10-2 and Mario Cart 2 will come out shortly!)

Speaking of fudge, I think Jon has had too much…he is looking quite plump as of late.

Entry 20

Have lost Jon! Or he has wandered off, and Legolas is frantic; he turned our bedroom upside down (Elrond kicked him out after that). Legolas is now demanding that we all carry a broom with us, sweeping the patch of floor we are to tread on twice to make sure we do not step on him, and looking very carefully for any sign of Jon.

Thranduil and especially Elrond refuse to do this (I think Elrond is sore over his slipper), and I swear that Elladan and Elrohir are walking with heavier footfalls than I have heard from elves in my life. It could be the non-elven part of them though, or they picked up some bad habits when I was gone.

Entry 21

Elrohir has broken a small bone in his foot from the repeated stomping, but refuses to stop in hopes of "finding" Jon. He now walks with one very heavy footed stomp (his healthy side), followed by the drag of his injured foot, which Elrond has wrapped in plaster. So now you can hear him coming: *stomp* shuffle *stomp* shuffle.

I asked Elrond to plaster his feet together to keep him still, but he pointed out that then Elrohir would be hopping, and what a noise that would make. I then jokingly asked if he were afraid if Elrohir would "hop" on Jon. 

Elrond is now looking for Elrohir with another roll of plaster cast.

Methinks I should have kept my mouth shut.

Entry 22

Still have not found Jon. 

Legolas is hysterical.

Have made three batches of fudge, but Legolas burst into tears and said that it reminded him of Jon, so I ate it all by myself.

Entry 23

Feel sick.

Elrond was not sympathetic when I admitted the cause, and started again about "females" and "chocolate."

Entry 24

Jon is still MIA, Legolas is still hysterical.

He is now wandering slowly around the woods, broom in hand, calling for Jon, sounding most pathetic..

I miss that little guy. *tear*

Entry 25

Tried to console Legolas with baklava. 

Did not work, so I ate it all by myself.

Tried jell-o shots. 

Legolas is now drunk, and Thranduil is ready to throttle me but Elrond stood by me, even after I threw up on him.

Entry 26

WE FOUND JON! 

Jon has been hiding up on one of the rafters over our bed, just sitting there very patiently…I wonder what he's doing.

Legolas doesn't know yet as he is too hung over, but I will tell him when he wakes up.

Entry 27

            Legolas is concerned because Jon has not come down for several days, and is worried that Jon will starve. Legolas, much to Elrond's irritation, has insisted sleeping on the floor at the foot of the bed, in case Jon needs anything. He is now standing on our bed throwing bread crumbs and bits of fudge up to the rafters where Jon sits.

*Later*

            Legolas tried to give Jon water, and now our bed is sopping wet, and Jon was nearly drowned.

Elrond furiously kicked Legolas out of the room, and will not allow him to return under any circumstances.

The water is just as well, as the sheets were already a mess of crumbs and fudge; saves me the trouble of washing them, once they dry.

Entry 27

Awoke to the sound of Elrond screaming his head off. He has not stopped screaming like a girl.

It seems that one of two things have taken place: Jon has multiplied over night and shrunk (there are now many miniature Jons swarming down from the rafter), or we will have to rethink Jon's name and change it to something more feminine.

After Elrond was pacified (had to resort to the left over jell-o shots) and I had picked all the mini-Jons out of our hair and bed clothes, I called Legolas into the room.

Standing at the door way he hesitated, reminding me of how Elrond had permanently banned him from the room.

I rolled my eyes and lifted the sentence, gesturing to my dear husband who was lying inebriated on the bed. He was mindless of Jon sitting on his forehead, who had finally descended from his rafter after his (um, her?) offspring had come down and was looking quite proud.

Entry 28

Jon has a new female name: Legolas has christened her Jolina Eight-Legged the Eighth. Jo for short. I asked Legolas what "the Eighth" stood for and he shrugged.

As much as I have grown to love Jon…Jo and her children, the fact remains that our bedroom is overrun with spiders; they will not all fit in Elrond's left slipper, or both of them at the same time, and this is when they are newly hatched.

To remedy this situation Legolas is out in a tree building a spider house. He is happy as he will now be able to visit Jo and her hundreds…heck, thousands of children whenever he wishes.

Entry 30

Legolas has a broken thumb; he has never built anything before and hammers are a bad thing for him.

Fortunately he and Elrond were on much better terms as he is not sleeping in our bedroom and Elrond has almost forgotten that he burnt the ship down…all because of Jo.

The broken thumb also allowed me to beat him soundly in Super Smash Brothers six times that afternoon. He was getting altogether too good with Young Link anyway; once he is healed he demands a proper tournament and claims handicap. I said nothing, and he is now back outside pounding away on his spider house.

Entry 31

We had a light rain shower accompanied by a slight breeze, the result of which being that Legolas' spider house has fallen down. Thankfully no spiders were injured (they had not moved in yet) but Elrond is busy removing the splinters from Legolas (one hundred twenty nine and counting) and will set his broken ankle.

Elrohir and Elladan have volunteered to build a spider house; I am not sure if it is to get the arachnids out of the house or to apologize to Legolas for when Elladan accidentally slammed his thumb in the refrigerator door yesterday. (It is now re-broken.)

One hundred thirty seven splinters, still counting.

Entry 32

Spider house is finished, and Jo and her family have moved in. Legolas was about to build an adjoining room for himself, but Thranduil put a stop to that for more than one reason.

Today is Christmas Eve; that night I gave Elrond an early present, signing the tag, "From Jo." 

It was a new pair of slippers.

He smiled and kissed me on the forehead.


	2. chapter two

**When I reposted I mushed all the chapters into one so any chaps after this will be much shorter; sorry! Dunno if there will be any more for I am running out of horrible things to do to these elves…***

Entry 33

Mother is having a Botox party. I am not a big fan of needles, but I went anyway as Elrond got really clingy and whiny at the thought of being forced to go all by him self.

The doctor who was to do the injections made me really nervous; his name tag read "Wormtongue, MD"…What kind of a name is Wormtongue anyway, and why does it sound so familiar? And not to be harsh but out of anyone, the doctor needed the Botox more than any of us. Botox, among many other things.

Father and Dear Husband are currently discussing hair implants; Thranduil swears by them and oxygen facials to keep that healthy, youthful, elven glow.

I pointed out Elrond that no matter what he would do he would look ageless, not fair and youthful like say, Glorfindel. He looked a little worried but I assured him that ageless was not another word for "really old."

Entry 34

Cant frown can berly rite somting rong

Entry 35

Have finished pounding Elrond into the floor. He had me try the Botox first, saying that he would go next but fainted at the sight of the needle and refused. 

Apparently "Dr. Wormtongue" was the biggest quack since…ever, and he was injecting a 5% solution instead of the approved 0.5% solution.

I have never been so thankful that elves are immortal.

Mother is still in a paralyzed snit, and no one will be getting hair implants.

Entry 36

Twins are teaching Legolas how to rollerblade in exchange for snow boarding lessons. My motherly instincts are pinging off like crazy but will keep my mouth shut.

Legolas has currently learned to skate forward, backward, and is determined to learn how to go sideways.

Entry 37

Legolas has healed from his broken arm and Elladan, Elrohir and him are playing roller hockey. To make teams fair Glorfindel is playing too; he won't play video games but he'll play roller hockey?! When I confronted them about this he said that roller hockey had physical benefits where as video games were mindless trash.

Jo is keeping score and the games are short as the winning team can only score up to eight points.

 Entry 38

Leoglas forgot that to snowboard you need to have mountains or at least hills so they tried the roof. The tallest part of the roof. Elladan, Elrohir, and Legolas are now in traction for a broken femur, neck, and ribs/rebroken arm, respectively.

Entry 39

Elladan, Elrohir, and Legolas are all, understandably, very bored for they can only lie in bed all day.

Elrond has told them stories for the last thirty eight and a half hours and has lost his voice; I would have made them fudge or baklava, but recently I have not been able to look at the stuff. Thranduil tried to juggle for them but has forgotten how, and his fumbling got old very quickly, even to me.

Legolas has refused to play video games as he is tired of losing as half the controls are inaccessible.

Glorfindel is in a fantastic mood as he has just arrived back from a visit to Gondolin with an enormous bag of…lemons. He discovered the lemon tree he had inadvertently planted in his sand box during his first life, and somehow it had evolved over thousands of years into a wild lemon tree orchard. I asked him how he had inadvertently planted the lemon tree and he said he had spit a seed he found in his lemon aid out, and that's where it landed.

Entry 40

Jo has come to the rescue with entertainment! The spider came shuffling in the room with one lemon after another on her back, and Elladan, Elrohir, Legolas and Jo will now all have a lemon eating contest. 

Jo won. Have you ever seen a spider pucker?

The three (Jo quit) are now having a Pop Rocks and ginger ale eating contest.

Entry 41

They have tired of Pop Rocks and ginger ale and are now eating Alka-Seltzer tablets and ginger ale, to see who can produce the most foam.

I am teaching Elrond how to play Super Smash brothers as I am bored out of my mind. He started to take it personally when I kept beating him (I told him that Marth has a TERRIBLE up B move!) and returned from his bathroom break with his real sword. Now I am trying to teach him Mario Cart, but he's terrible at that too. Fortunately his voice has not returned all the way, and can only swear very softly and hoarsely.

Entry 42

Elladan, Legolas, and Elrohir are out of traction.

Am waiting for trouble.

Entry 43

Am still waiting for trouble.

Mother is finally fully recovered and is going after Dr. Wormtongue. She has decided to sue, and will be representing herself in court. That is all well and good for her, but when she came and asked for the photos of myself in that Botox induced horror as well as a testimony, I refused and we had a big, blue, glowing brawl.

Elrond and Dad are still cringing in the corner, clinging to each other and whimpering.

Entry 44

Will be waiting for trouble no longer as one of Jo's children had gotten on top of the ceiling fan to have a ride and then was too afraid to come down.

Jo came scuttling into the room, waving two legs frantically and making her urgent spider noises.

I rushed after her, and found Legolas with his hair tangled in the ceiling fan, screaming his head off, with Elladan screaming to Elrohir as to "How do you turn this bloody thing off?!!" and succeeding it only on turning it from "low" to "high."

Entry 45

Legolas' hair is now barely half an inch long; we ended up having to cut him loose from the fan. To console him I made a torte and a cheesecake, and he, Jo, and I ate it all at the kitchen table while he cried.

Jo handed out tissues.

Glorfindel said that he had heard somewhere that rubbing lemons in your head made your hair go faster and offered Legolas the rest of his lemons. I think Glorfindel is thinking of bleaching your hair, but as it encouraged Legolas a very, very little I will keep my mouth shut.

In other matters, Elrond and Dad have finally recovered from their terror and come out of their corner.

Entry 46

Went shopping. There is a cocktail party at the Club that Elrond must attend for political reasons. Or something. At any rate, it means I need a dress; a cocktail dress. And shoes. And accessories. And anything else I can think of to run up the credit card bill and get out of the house for just a little while longer.

Saw an adorable mini slip dress at Bloomingdale's; I knew Elrond would just HATE to have me wear something like that in public, so I tried it on. It went on easy enough in the dressing room and I was admiring myself in the mirror, turning right, then left…oh yes, defiantly would Elrond not like this in public. It's all black and lacy and looks a little like lingerie but with tiny sparkly details. 

I decided that I liked it enough to buy it. 

Then I tried to take it off. 

It's one of those slip dresses with no zipper, and it's not stretchy at all. First I tugged it from short hem up to try and pull it over my head. It got stuck on my waist. Then I tried inching it up further, bit by bit and I had it rolled just under my bust, and it was still stuck. Just a little more, I thought, though I was starting to break into a cold sweat. Finally I had it in a rolled up the bunch around the upper parts of my arms, blocking my mouth, even harder to get off because I was sweating in a panic.

I was stuck!!!! Stuck with my arms pinned above my head in a ridiculous fashion, in my underwear.

Just then the sales lady knocked on the door. "Everything alright in there?"

Wriggling frantically I managed to get the bunched up slip dress down a few inches, freeing my mouth. "Ehh…yes," I managed weakly.

"Let me see how this fits you; we can do free alt-"

"NO!" I yelled as the door handle started to turn. "I mean, um,"

"Would you like another size?"

"Uh…no! I…I think I'll take this one! Just a minute!" Panicked, I exhaled, squeezed, pushed, exhaled and squeezed and push some more, and finally managed to roll the thing down past my hips and stepped out of it. 

It looks nicest on the hanger.

Entry 47

Legolas is rubbing Slim Fast in his head in hopes that the vitamins and minerals will help his hair growth. Then he decided that Slim Fast wasn't potent enough and is crushing multi vitamins in the blender, mixing it with Slim Fast, and rubbing the concoction in his hair.

At least he is playing video games with me now though he smells too chocolaty to sit by him.

Entry 48

Deciding that the vitamin concoction was not working fast enough Legolas is trying to embrace is new short hair style. He is also trying to start a trend, but Elladan and Elrohir will have nothing to do with it. Nor will Glrofindel, despite Legolas' desperate plea that he had always wanted a twin, just like Elladan and Elrohir. He then decided to rebel, shaving the sides of his head so he has a Mohawk, from his forehead to the base of his skull, and gelling it. As his hair is at the most three quarters of an inch long it is of little consequence.

Jo fell off of my shoulder when she first saw Legolas with his new hair - she might have been laughing - and sprained her wrist (or so Legolas claims).

Elrond refuses to have anything to do with Jo's wrist, and Thranduil refuses to have anything to do with Legolas, given his new hair style. (Thranduil is even more conservative than Glorfindel.)

Entry 49

Mother has lost her case in court. As she believes it is because she had no witness to call to the stand other than herself (I was shopping the day she went to court; I have a viable excuse) she refuses to speak to me.

The judge DID say that anyone foolish enough to trust a non elven doctor deserved what they got, and was not her son in law a healer?

Entry 50

Cocktail party was boring, except for when Elrond stepped on my foot, and jumped off accidentally into the cheese fondue.

Elrond hated the dress and ended up having to cut me out of it at the end before bed. After that I told him how much it cost and now he is not speaking to me.

Entry 51

As neither Elrond nor Mother is speaking to me I am in serious lack for decent conversation. Tried to sit down and talk to my sons but I have deciphered so far that their language consists of mostly grunts, points, and "yeah."  Legolas is half way decent, but he is not interested in the differences between French and American manicures, and I am not interested in roller hockey or girls (at least in that way). So we shut up and ate chocolate cake.

Entry 52

I am getting worried as to my position in relation to Legolas and Thranduil. It started when Legolas called me "Mum" last night, but quickly corrected himself. This was reinforced by what happened later.

I had made jell-o shots (correction: locked Legolas in the closet, then made jell-o shots) and Thranduil had gotten to them before anyone else.

He was totally smashed, which explains why he mistook me for Legolas' mother, and Elrond walked into the room at a very bad time for Thranduil.

Thranduil and Elrond are not on speaking terms anymore, but at least Elrond is talking to me again.


End file.
